First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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