I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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