I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
