I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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