chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize