I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
