Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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