omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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