What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just pee around me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
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