with your own penis?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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