Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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