sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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