I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
