in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize