im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
