I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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