I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
