do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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