just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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