apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
