Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
