he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
