me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
