the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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