she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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