WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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