Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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