Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
