so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
