Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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