I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
