I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize