I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
