At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
