Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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