I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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