batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
