He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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