Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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