Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
