Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
