lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
