Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
