I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
