I hate your face
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
