Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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