So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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