Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
