I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I did not marry a roomba.
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