Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I want to be your penis for a week.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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