He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
