At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize