She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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