eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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