Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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